The hurting

When Sue was still a new baby, I read in something about a woman who gave birth at home by herself to a baby she definitely didn't want. She got rid of it by putting a towel around it and sticking it up in her icy attic. Left it to die. I thought of that baby when Sue had finished nursing (at night) and that tiny face lay, sleeping, against my still bare boob. She was warm and cuddled and dearly loved.

When she got older and had all the little kid bumps and bruises and hurts that mamas can make well with a kiss and maybe a bandaid, it was all acceptable. All but that broken collar bone when she was about 6. She was so scared when she swallowed a dime and asked me if it would hurt very much when the doctor had to cut it out of her. Her relief was great when I told her how it would get out on its own! And when fevers caused her to hallucinate creatures that terrified her, being on my lap kept her safe.

Then came the day she clung to me, both of us crying because she had cancer of the lung. And a world of love from a mama couldn't help. I could only hold her hand when she died.

Bedtime Entertainments

Every night when my bedroom light goes out, I get to watch a "show" on my ceiling. Sometimes I see wind-blown mounds and piles of snow, and usually there's a house or country type school house toward the background. It's never nighttime there for there often are rays of pink on the snow--as of sunrise or sunset. Once I felt a little concern because the house I was seeing had such a huge amount of snow on its flat roof I was sure the weight would cave the roof in. The picture changed before that happened however. Some people had started trying to clear the snow off with shovels. I never did get back there to find out if they did okay.

This is for real. I'm not kidding. And I see these things with my eyes open or shut. Sometimes I'm moving along a country road, and the scenery is beautiful. (I'm just me and not in a car). And sometimes there's a car a little way ahead of me on the road. When I see that I always try to catch up with it. I want to pass it so I can see who is driving and if anyone else is in the car. I've come close at times but never have made it. Sometimes the car will turn off on a side road, and I can't manage to make the turn. There are other kinds of roads too. Sometimes long straight stretches with fields or farms along the way. Sometimes it's hills, steep ones occasionally. A few times I've been riding in a train. Last time that happened we went through a forest of trees all leafed out. Sometimes it's winter with just skeletal branches sort of jammed together.

The most interesting though is when I'm on a downtown sidewalk and watching cars going by--moving in both directions and NOT in a steady stream. I'm always able to see the different store fronts across the street, but I can't ever make out the names of the stores or exactly what's in the window displays. I watch people walking by and going in or out of the stores too.

This all started in the last many months--as my eye problem got worse. Next time I see Dr. Lawless I'll try to remember to ask him about it. I've always had hurting eyes on my mind every time so I forget about the "movies." For a long, long time I've seen words on walls but they keep changing before I can read more than one or two of them. No messages. I've lots of times seen music too. The words and music are in the daytime. Now, I'm also seeing huge flowering bushes on the walls. Lots prettier than the white walls with people's pictures. The colors are so beautiful. And so there it is. Do you envy me my entertainment?

Mary needs--

Sandy did her own needs and then did mine.
Here's what I need--

1. Attention on my feet.

2. Numbers

3. More take cover alarms!

4. Overtime to tame Gonzaga

5. To schedule appearances6

6. A time-out

7. Shadows

Marital Togetherness

I thought Luana, being interested in the togetherness of her parents, might find this memory of mine worth hearing about.



Harold finished the two years of classes offered at the Southern Branch, but I quit after the first year. The only work I could find in those days of depression was an occasional baby sitting job, so I helped Harold with the research for term papers he had to write. We lived at the Lodge Hall then and with the city library just across the street doing the research was easy. One class Harold had was American History, mainly the years of the Revolutionary War. In case you don't remember, that war was from 1776 to 1781 and was fought with England. We wanted an end to taxation without representation and wanted to drink coffee instead of so much tea. The paper the professor wanted had to be either a journal of that time or letters. And he warned the students that they better be sure of what they said. "If you say it rained on such and such a day, you better be sure it really did rain."

Harold thought it would be interesting to make it letters written by a soldier and his wife. Forget about the problems of getting the letters back and forth to each other. Harold took over
the soldier, and I took on the research about the wife. There was tons of information about a woman's life without her husband's help. The crops, hunting for meat, keeping warm during the cold winters, preserving food, caring for the animals, butchering. And all the information about the clothes they wore, the cloth for clothes, soap making, the food they ate, how the food was cooked, care of children, cooking utensils, dishes.

When all the research was done, we began the writing. Harold and I agreed that I should write the wife's letters while he took care of the soldier's. Then, the night before the paper was due, Harold could begin typing it all. We were living in the Lodge Hall then, so he took the typewriter and all essentials down to the meeting room, and I went along to keep him company. It was an all night job. While he clacked away, I read and sometimes played the piano. The Lodge had a very good piano. At one time during the wee small hours I baked bran muffins, and we took a break to eat and drink milk. Just before dawn, the job was done. After breakfast, while Harold took a bath and shaved, I quizzed him on his German vocabulary. When he walked out the door to head for his 8:00 class, I hit the sack!

How's that for marital togetherness? Oh yes, he (we) got an A on the paper, and the professor wrote several nice comments on the sidelines.

This is for Dr. Melissa

I kept putting off smashing up those pills, and I'm very very glad I did. One night not long ago I had a humdinger of a restless legs spell again, and finally. after all else failed, I took one of the pills. LO AND BEHOLD, IT WORKED!!! So now I have taken one each night not long before bedtime. At first, I would wake up and not be able to go back to sleep until after I had been up for awhile. Habit, I guess. But last night I was up only to take care of potty needs a couple of times and then right back to bed and to sleep. But this better keep on working or I'll go beat the crap out of Dr. Benson! And then I'll beat him up again!

Luana's again giving me orders!

So you're asking for details about the Harold and Mary Lou romance...I had my eyeballs on him before we ever exchanged a word, as you know, but back in those days a girl had to wait for the guy to make the first move. So there I was trying to figure out how to make him break the ice. If I saw him unexpectedly in the hall of one of the buildings or coming toward a door as I was departing, my stomach would drop to my toes and my heart would thump like mad. I learned later that he had the same reactions. But the first -- the very first -- thing that caught his eye regarding me was my sizeable chest muscle. I presume you know what I mean. It was just before the start of a regular choir class, and two or three of us females were leaning across the grand piano. Harold told me a long time later that he and Burton clapped their hands over their eyes and staggered a few steps as if overcome! Shameful!

Every Friday night there were stag dances at the gym, so groups of us from the dorm who didn't already have a date would hie ourselves to the dance. Always, there would be someone who would ask to walk us home. During intermission one Friday--after we walked together for the drinks of water during the oratorio--I saw Harold walking toward me. I knew he was going to ask me to dance, but he just said hello and walked on out the door to the entry. Two minutes later he was back and asking for a dance. That was the start of several dances that night and the walk to the dorm afterward. Then came dates for movies. He didn't have a car, so we walked back and forth. No kissing for the dorm entry was always crowded with couples. No privacy.


There wasn't time for very many dates though before Christmas vacation came along, and I was going to go home to Lincoln for the holiday. Harold borrowed a friend's car and took me to the depot. Then came the first kiss. It was wonderful! But the "All aboard" cut it a bit short. We wrote to each other during those two weeks, and he was at the depot when I got back. That night we went out with two other couples--in the car of one guy--and kissing came easier.

If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't get married the way we did. My mom felt bad because she had wanted to give me a real wedding. Also I had a hangover of worry stemming from childhood that I couldn't get married because I didn't know how to cook or what to do with blankets in the summer and keeping track of hand soap so we wouldn't run out, etc. Dumb stuff . During our short engagment our squabbles mainly were about my wanting a little time to spend with girl friends once in awhile. Harold felt all our free time should be spent with each other only. I don't know how we worked it out, but there weren't any bad feelings. I could write more but I think this is enough.